In all my years of writing I do not remember talking about relationships or giving relationship advice. First, because there are already more relationship advisers than the assorted meat in a Yoruba woman’s soup pot and I don’t like to dabble into what everybody is doing. Secondly, because in relationships there is no advice that is all encompassing.
I have observed that one quarter of social media users and radio presenters have turned to agony aunts and we see people sending them messages about their relationships, asking for help from people who do not know the first thing about relationships and advise you with bias. Quack love doctors everywhere.
Years ago, just out of university I was speaking over the phone with a friend who wanted to know why it is that women refuse to stay with young men their age, have patience and build with them, instead straight out of school they marry the first suitor and ignore the school boyfriend they had.
In his words “Women are gullible… That is why most of them end up unhappy, because they marry a complete stranger and leave someone they’ve known for years because say the guy never get money.”
This was supposed to be a short call but ended up extending into MTN midnight call. He was shocked that I of all people will support a girl leaving a guy who isn’t ready to be married for one that is ready.
My friend, what if when you are now ready you start feeling your level has changed therefore you have to upgrade your babe? Then the poor girl will lose on all sides after having driven all suitors away for you. Is your name stumbling block?
Recently, I met someone I went to university with and when I asked about his Handbag – they were the closest couple I knew in school – he told me she was married and he seemed too disappointed to talk about it. All he could say was that she had lost big time because he was ready to give her the world. When I asked a close friend of his to explain what happened that one wasn’t slow to pour out his disappointment with the girl and women in general.
You see, this issue of waiting for a guy is like an illiterate carpenter sponsoring a girl in university. The thing di kwa very risky.
Now here is my thought on waiting for a guy. Like I said about relationships, there is never one advice that fits all situations. The road that leads one person to happily ever after could lead another to a broken heart that will never be mended.
Before you decide on waiting for a man who hasn’t proposed or moving on with one who has here are things I believe you should know;
People change, so do feelings: That night I had a phone conversation with the friend from school, I asked him “There’s NYSC in front of you, then a job. You’ll meet new people in the process, some with amazing personality that could draw you in. Can you be certain that you won’t find yourself liking someone new?”
He said he could exercise restraint and no matter how good any other girl is he will curb the feelings and marry the first girl, if not for anything else at least to reward her for staying.
Guy, last I checked, marriage should be based on love, not pity or duty. You’ll just end up hating yourself and pouring your resentment on the poor girl.
Onye ji mmadu ji onwe ya. Free the babe to follow who she wants and free yourself to seize whichever new babe catches your fancy. Don’t cage yourselves in the name of lurve
Check your motive: If you are refusing proposal from a suitor who is ready to be married, let it be only because you have weighed the love you have for him and the one you have for this your unready boyfriend and his doesn’t measure up. If you are refusing a suitor you love, who has potential and is capable of handling responsibilities for one who is still relying on his parents or barely able to sustain himself it better be because his medicine man is from Okija and you literally cannot breath without him.
What is your Intent: Are you leaving a boyfriend you love, who loves you back, is hard working and has a valid plan to follow a ready-made guy solely because of money? Wrong choice.
Now what I think aside, what do the elders think?
When I was still living in the world of Hollywood high school movies (I still live there now, but I come out to real life every once in a while) I often had arguments with my mum about the wisdom in marrying a man over ten years older than you.
Mum: So you want to marry your mate so years later he will say you are too old for him and start looking for young girl? Or when you people are walking, people will be asking him “Oh, so your mother came to visit?” Don’t you know women age faster?
Me: Mummy, who even wants to marry a grandfather that when you are gisting him about Merlin he will be asking you “ele kwa nke bu Maylin biko k’anyi nene Osuofia in London.” (Which one is Maylin, please let’s watch Osuofia in London.)
Romance was meant to be between peers so they can better understand themselves. Right? Well, not always.
First, age differs for both sexes. I have this aunt who has been married for almost twenty years. We talked years ago and two things stood out in what she said to me. It boils down to this: Never marry a man who is poor. Never marry your age mate. Why? Because their ego is a very funny thing. A poor man feels insecure and easily insulted. One statement you make which a rich man will laugh off, a poor man will take it personal, feeling you are insulting him because he doesn’t have money. A poor man, feeling emasculated, will want to reassure himself of his manhood by picking on the nearest person, most often his wife (Case in point, 2shhh…)
Also a man much older than you will overlook so many things, but one your age or close will see everything as an affront to his manhood “because you think me and you are age mates you now talk to me anyhow ehn?”
According to my aunt, that’s the secret to her happy and long marriage. But do I plan to go by these rules? Should you? There is no correct answer to that.
My dear people, this is sincerely not an attack on poor people, I am not rich so who am I to look down on anyone. I understand that some poor men are different, but this is me generalizing, there are always exceptions. I have seen couples who are poor, age mates, university sweethearts, yet are extremely in love and happy. However, if you consider it, you will see there’s truth in what my aunt said.
Of course there is the possibility that the boyfriend you left for an established man could tomorrow become richer than your husband. Is that a reason to feel bad? Wealth isn’t the issue here, as long as you love the man you married. Also what’s the guarantee that if you had waited he would still have married you after he acquired all that wealth? If he comes to taunt you about being impatient and losing out, that will be one reason to thank God that you dodged the bullet. No one wants a petty man.
The summary is this, when you are going to the market for a relationship, carry tape measure and measure very well that which will suit you. Don’t go and use Omotola Jalade’s measurement or Olu Jacob and Joke Silva’s measurement because you feel they have a happy marriage.
Rely on your feelings and above all consult God for guidance. Stop consulting ignorant people!
Que: Your sister has a good man fully prepared to marry her and a boyfriend in University or just fresh out of school, which would you advise her to go with. Be sincere o.