When a woman is getting married, our people gift her kitchen wares because it is our belief those will help her fulfill her most important role; succeed in your kitchen and all will be well with your marriage.
I am certain this lie was invented by the side chics and concubines of those days who are well aware that once the man’s tummy is full, the eyes is now free to roam in search of eye candies.
Some things have substitutes. Thanks to fast foods and home delivery, if a man’s stomach is empty he can order take-away but, if his eye is hungry what does he order? The substitute for that one will lead to serious heart break.
If he turns to porn kenebechigi (thank your God) it could be worse. (Note: This is not an endorsement from me.)
On this note, if you care about me and want to be invited to tie gele and komole the best your aging bones will allow on our fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration, kindly get me these for my wedding and it will be a happy married life indeed;
- Celine Dion CDs: There were some kinds of songs our parents listened to which made them birth seven, eight children. Those kinds of songs that put you in the mood to love, not the Iyeyeye of today that will leave you jumping around and tired in no time. There is a reason why most couples today have only two or three kids. I want a lot of kids so just give me music that will help my mission. You can add other blues you know will help.
- Pole: Don’t ask what for. Just get me better strong pole, not the one I will fall from and move from being eye candy to eye sore.
- High Heels in different colours: Try watching a woman strutting in heels and another on flats and you will know why this is important.
- Dance Workout CDs: You don’t want me dancing like tolotolo on that pole while the subject of my moves will have his eyes elsewhere, say on TV watching Beyonce. I have to learn to out stunt her.
- Lingerie, Lingerie and more Lingerie: My people, I hope you know that there is a difference between lingerie and underwear? Don’t ask Google, they don’t know that one. Just watch Nicki Minaj’s video a lot and you will get it. Plus lingerie is lighter to carry than Odo or microwave.
If you are still not convinced these are the right wedding gifts for me, my last argument is this; a man can reject the tastiest food when he is vexing but can he reject a woman looking like the one below? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.
Thanks for your future co-operation. Cupid bless you as you help make his work easier.